Lesson on S&M 101

Pic Source:  www.tomropesmcgurk.com

I know that many of you that read my blog are into the same types of S&M activities that I am.  In the post about my last session, an individuals comment leads me to believe he thinks that I'm getting off on hurting guys, at least that is how I interpreted his comment.  Maybe I'm not reading this right and he knows what S&M is about and just doesn't like it. 

This person wrote, "I don't find beating, abusing and punching another human being even remotely sexy."

I am way too much a novice to expertly write about what S&M is all about.  So here is what I would like to do.  For those of you who understand what S&M is really about (I know for a fact there is at least 5 of you!), can you, in the comments section, explain to everyone else about S&M and how pain and pleasure have a fine line and the endorphin thing, and the consensual thing, and all that stuff.  If you don't really want to put it in the comments then just e-mail it to me and I will add it anonymously to the post.

It would be helpful for people to understand that its not about hurting another human being.  God, I would never do that!

Thanks in advance
j

Comments

[Timldn]

Jared, Don't let those that don't understand you put you off. The greatest thing about being Gay is that we have a greater opportunity to explore our sexuality. And if there is one thing that we should have learnt is that we shouldn't condemn those that we dont understand.

S&M is a personal thing and as long as there is a respect from both parties then it is no one elses business. I have had many great experiences in the S&M arena. Episodes that pushed boundaries for me. They came to a greater understanding of my sex.

Whether it is endorphins or simply the hot rush one feels when enjoying something I cant say. I simply love it.

You go Guy! You Rock because you are so open!

[dave]

o i do agree with you jared. after all the soldiers who tortured the prisoners at abhu ghraib prison in iraq were only doing it because the prisoners asked for the S&M attention.

surely the guards didnt get off on it right???

making justification for physically abusing someone is a very slippery moral slope indeed.

you yourself may have "asked" for it on occasion, to raise your own endorphin levels blah blah blah.. but when that guy crossed the limits of your consent and slapped your face hard... you in an instant became a victim to what was getting HIM off. and you KNEW it.

maybe being beaten and abused brings you back to the torture of middle school.. you were the geeky kid who was beaten.. but then again it WAS attention of a sort from a more butch guy.. and deep down you prefer attention to no attention and rejection right? even as the object of abuse u were no longer the outcast.. you were finally part of the group.. even if it was just the part of the group getting beaten.

stockholm syndrome.

[Robert N Lng Bch]

This will not be the first nor last time that your interest in BD/SM play will be misunderstood, it is very common and unfortunately those on the edge who are severe sadists and in fact get off on hurting others do not help the skewed perspective that others often have. Btm line and a question that I would pose to the guy who doesn't view such activities as sexy, why pass judgement on the the motives of what two consenting adults choose to do in private?

[jared]

Dave dude. You can't compare what happened in Iraq, which was based on hatred of a race, to consensual S&M. You also can't bring generally accepted morals into this. That just doesn't stand ground. If you asked most straight people if being gay was moral how would they respond bro.

And yes as Robert pointed out there are those guys on the severe side of S&M.

But my point still remains. Most of the S&M community do not get off on bringing harm to other human beings. I know I'm right on this.

[chris]

Dave, Jared seems to be able to find plenty of non-S&M sex, so the idea that he accepts abuse out of a desparate need for attention doesn't really hold water. I don't get why pain is sexy for some people, but considering the lengths they go to find it, it must be a genuine turn on, and not just co-dependent desparation.

It's a really, really important distinction that Jared went looking for this, and the people in Abu Graib didn't. Some leather daddy wants to hit someone, and maybe his motivation isn't too different psychologically than the soldiers at Abu Graib. But the difference is he's found an ethical way to satisfy his urge -- he finds people who consent to being hit. You can psychoanalyze Jared all day and say that the roots of his desire to feel pain are 'stockholm syndrome' or childhood trauma or whatever. But even if you're right, those experiences make a part of who he is, as an adult making choices in his life. So you're mistaken to say he's a victim when someone with a complementary fetish agrees to carefully inflict pain on him, however twisted the psychological roots of it may seem to be. Especially to people like you and me, who don't actually know Jared.

I *do* wonder if maybe a desire for S&M points to some slightly messed up mental state or history, but frankly, the people I've met that engage in it seem to be pretty healthy, self-aware individuals; so if it is a sign of mental illness, it's something pretty mild, and the act of playing this stuff out mindfully, consensually, and carefully, must be pretty good therapy for it.

[Don]

Jared,

I have been both a Dom and a sub. There is a whole lifestyle community built around "BDSM" (Bondage,Domination . . .) The community advocates certain protocols -- especially when working with "newbies".

A "code", for lack of a better term, is "SSC" -- safe, sane, and consentual. You will find all sorts of ways to explore this side of your personality. If you allow this to portentially significantly harm you or another,then of course it is insane. However, practiced according to protocols, BDSM is a relatively controled-risk activity.

A few suggestions: Do not experiment without an experienced Dom or sub around. Do not use alcohol or drugs, because you will not be able to recogize when the "good" pain becomes "bad" pain quickly enough. A Dom is always in control of Himself, so He must be sober also. Always bring someone with you to a session with a new Dom, AND have a safe call lined up. Know your new Dom -- have referrences. Establish a safe word, or, if you are to be gagged, a safe pose, that stops the action. Establish "hard limits" with your Dom before the scene begins -- things He cannot do. Agree that you will consider removing a limit only after the scene ends. A sub gets into his "sub space" -- a wonderful state -- where all he wants to do is to please his Master. This is not the time to be making objective decisions. An experienced Dom will know this.

Finally, congratulations on discovering your interest in BDSM so young. Most never do -- and many others waste long years in "vanilla land" before discovering this. BDSM is about a total power exchange between Dominant and submissive. The bond between Dom and sub is magical. Done correctly, ironically, the submissive is never out of control of his Dom. And, the more a sub surrenders to his One, the more the sub receives.

[Jason]

I totally agree with Don's guide to BDSM play. I am a BDSM novice myself.

As long as any action is safe and consensual and pre-determined between two adults, then it is fine.

BDSM is another way we get off sexually, gay or straight. For me, it is about giving up or taking control. A person's desire for it is oftentimes a culmination of various experiences and emotions. I can't agree with Dave that one gets into BDSM for attention.

[Irwin]

I'm a virgin. This blog is hot. Thus I know not the slightest about S&M. I can only imagine.

I suppose watching TV helps, so here: "Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulse from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland. And the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent, it's ugly, and it's messy. And if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago."

Now...is S&M comparable when sex is put like that?

[Tim]

Oh bloody hell. You know what, Jared? You're a good man. Courageous enough to explore your inner desires and gracious enough to share them with us, your loyal readers. Who gives a damn what others think? Someone will always be ready to judge, prosecute, damn. You can't let them distract you. Follow your heart, beauty. No matter what anyone thinks.

[Patrick]

I haven't seen an email yet that really answers Jared's plea to educate other readers on how S&M sex is not abuse.

Here's a comparison that might make it easier for gay guys especially to understand: Straight people could just as easily use the same rant of abuse/ torture about anal sex because there is pain when the penis pushes past the anal ring. There is a process of pain involved that is also mixed with pleasure when you are the bottom in anal sex, no matter how often you do it. It can be extremely painful the first time, and yet the pleasure for a bottom is intense. Look at some of the videos/ photos on seancody.com to get a sense of the mix of pain and pleasure if you've forgotten what it's like for yourself. And yet, it doesn't stop most people from anal sex. As you do more, you get more used to it, and love the pleasure even though it is mixed with some pain.

Good S&M sex is a top providing the mix of pain linked to exhilirating pleasure that a bottom wants. It cannot be torture or abuse unless it has gone beyond what the bottom is comfortable with. For some people, the bar is low and for others, it is higher. It depends on individual preference... And that includes slapping/ hitting/ punching as part of a scene. If that is something that a bottom is comfortable with, then it is perfectly safe and to be cheered.

So education lesson over: It's just idiotic to compare S&M sex to Iraqi torture or "hurting another human." It is in fact a lot of fun for both parties, very liberating, and worth trying for those of you who haven't experienced it yet.

[Jonathan]

I'm not a huge Madonna fan but she put it best when she wrote:

Only the one who hurts you can comfort you. Only the one who inflicts the pain can take it away. (From her book entitled "sex")

[timldn]

There has been a lot of good old common sense spoken here. Don and Patrick in particular. Jared, you continue to find what pleasures you within manageable boundaries. And only then will you push your boundaries. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, and for asking these questions!

[larryfilou]

I do agree, that S&M is a matter of personal choice.
Though I agree with dave, our critic, in one point: There is the question of why.
And I fear, he is right in the matter, that S&M always carries (and obviously in this) the topic of domination and submisson. And I also agree, that the lines are drawn pretty fine.
This is why there were some ground rules proposed.
You need to test your limits, I agree, but you need limits and security measures. You need trust in the person your doing it with.
BUT: Whenever even one of these points is not fulfilled, it is a rape. No matter what you say. So, if both persons are consentend, there is noone to judge, but if the fine line of agreed points and limits and trust and security measured is crossed, it definitely is a terrible thing.
And that's why it would not work for me: With all the security measure, I'd get a feeling of it to be staged and that again would make me feel ridiculous. And without them I wouldn't be trusty enough.
And why would I consider it at all? Well, I like the idea of domination, and the idea of going a step further than the ordinary as an experience, but as an experiment only. I don't think either, that pain is really something I would enjoy, even if it is overlaid with strong sexual feeling...
But, Jared, go ahead and report, we'll see what your own personal point is, and maybe, when making good as well as bad experiences we'll get your personal answer, which is, what your blog is about.. :)

[Tom]

Since I seemed to have sparked the original thread here I guess I should clarify to Jared. I was reacting specifically to what I read in the entry I commented on. After reading more of what you wrote about that experience it has mitigated my feelings somewhat. Maybe it's simply a matter of if you're going to ralate what amounts to some pretty graphic S&M scenes here for people you ought to be careful to include some more detail ahead of time. In the initial read-through, it sounds like you arbitrarily gut-punched the guy to the ground because you got off on it. The further explanation in the comments that you had previously talked about/agreed to it makes a bit of a difference.

Having said all that, I have been fascinated by the BDSM scene for years and I have studied it from both perspectives. I'm planning on attending a workshop on the subject this weekend given by a local group. I feel I "get" the dom/sub dynamic as well the taking and giving up of control. I personally agree that the bondage/restraint aspects of it are particularly erotic to me. And yet, for all of my explorations of my own sexuality, I've never been able to wrap my head around beating another human being and eroticizing causing someone to literally cry out in pain. Nope. It just doesn't do it for me, and it never will. And that's not a criticism, merely a statement of preference.I was going to compose a lengthy peice on this subject and post it on my site but I think I've pretty much covered it here.

I too, applaud Jared and indeed anyone who has the courage to explore the boundaries of their sexuality and even expand beyond them if he chooses. But when you post that exploration in a public forum, you're gonna get public reaction. I learned that the hard way myself.

[jared]

Thanks Tom.

[Daniel]

I know this post was old, but there are still folks reading it (obviously: here I am), so I'll add my comments about why hurting people pleases me so much.

Firstoff, I would never be doing it if it weren't for leather, and the bottoms who love what I do to them so much they kind of pull it out of me. I don't go around wanting to hurt people, and it's taken me a lot to accept that, well yeah: I love hurting people.

I can't explain how it all hangs together, because I think it's beyond logical, this S/M and sex thing. It takes us beyond the everyday mind which tries to figure out human life into the larger Self which we all have access to. But I can tell you some details that might help you understand what it's like for me as a sadist anyway.

Pain brings out the vulnerability in a guy, and that goes right to my cock. I love to see and feel and experience guys when they're vulnerable. It's related to intimacy. A guy who's afraid or in pain, especially if he's also enjoying it, has many of his usual defenses down and he is present in all his vulnerability and surprising power. When he turns to me with his vulnerability, he is giving me an enormous gift, especially if I also am controlling precisely how vulnerable he can get.

Being a sadist reminds me of counseling work I've done, such as on a crisis clinic line I once staffed. Folks calling in crisis, like people in a disaster, are often showing amazing sides of themselves that they don't even see. They also are terrified of being asked to go do certain things or tell you certain things. "I don't want to talk about that," they say. And I say, "Tell me about that specifically. Give me details." It's sadistic, what such a therapist will do, but it's for the purpose of opening up someone in a place where they're closed down, of releasing their power and watching that beauty pour out, and popping some blister of fear or doubt and seeing it heal. I've always helped out my friends by being the one to 'go there.' In S/M, I 'go there' physically as well.

So there's a release of energy. This is very tantric. There's a lot of energy locked behind our fears and doubts and what we think is pain. Releasing that energy can take you amazing places, divine places. When you touch that and bring it forth, by going to and *through* the pain, refusing to allow any fear to stand, tremendous universes beyond the mundane can open up, and the people who successfully travel there and come back often know more about themselves and human capabilities, including capabilities of intense relationship with another person, even if they can't articulate them. With S/M, you can even do this with guys you met five minutes ago. I like that. I seek it. I hunger for it. I demand it. It get me hard and joyous and loving (and impatient when some bottom is trying to control the situation because of some fear -- fuck fear -- we're larger than that as human beings, and we love each other better than that as Sadomasochists).

I often say it's like any other extreme sport. You can't really say why anyone would climb some huge rock face. It's painful. Frightening. Dangerous. But you go because, first, you can't not go though you don't know why. And you go back because of what you experienced and continue to experience in the activity (not least of all the bonding with the guys you go with). And even after all the times you've been, you can't explain it except to talk about glory and energy and tell people they've got to try it to know.

[Cam]

Ooh...put me in there and throw away the key

[xocoqqyl]

Butwhen the news mentioned your close, arthur droned, these