Discovering I Was Different

My life is really great right now but it wasn't always that way.  This story is a continuation of my new series called 'Early Memories'.  It was difficult for me to write because it brought back to life a lot of bad memories.  I'm not looking for sympathy from you or anything by writing this.  I cried enough about it back then, got over it and moved on.  I'm just sharing memories so you can get to know me a little more and maybe relate to bad experiences you have had.  I'll bet most of you have had similar experiences. 

I can't say that I would never have changed experiences like this in my life because given the opportunity I would have changed it.   I do believe, however, these experiences helped me to be a better person.  It has also taught me to develop thicker skin, which has helped me tremendously in my adult life. 

So here is the story.  It takes place in seventh and eighth grade in Miami.

I got beat up a lot as a kid.  Seventh and eighth grade were the worst times for me.  I lived a sheltered life from the real world and had no idea how cruel kids could be until I got to middle school.  Fuck, I was so naïve about the world as a whole, even today I have to keep reminding myself that people can't be trusted.  I believe strongly that I am a new soul with only one or two human lives under my cosmic belt.  The hardest part of life for me is that I feel like I can be trusted and I try to be a good person, so why the fuck can't everyone else do the same!? 

A lot of the kids sensed I was different from my first day and targeted me.  I was really skinny, shy, and effeminate:  great target practice.  I had no clue yet that I was gay.  Yes I was still humping things and masturbating but not really associating it with boys.  It's funny to look back now and see that so many people knew I was gay before I knew. 

I dreaded both recess where we were unsupervised, and physical education where I wasn't good at any sports whatsoever, even the girly ones.

I'll never forget a conversation with an older eighth grader who was forced to partner with me in Physical Education.  He told me that I was really fucked up.  He wasn't being mean, well I guess he really was, but he had good intentions.  He was just telling me what he saw in me, a really fucked up kid who probably should have been born a girl in his opinion.  I was really hurt that day and went home crying about it, alone cause I couldn't tell my parents.  It took me a week to get up the courage to ask him what he really meant.  He explained that I acted like a girl, that my body language and hand gestures were more like a girl than a guy.  That was the day I decided, again naively, to change myself, to act more like a boy.

I forced myself to get into baseball and do more sports stuff even though I hated it and was terrible at it.  All of my teammates were put off by me and didn't want anything to do with me, ever.  I remember once when I signed up for and spent a week at baseball camp, the guys I bunked with didn't even want to sleep in the same room as me and forced me to sleep in the bathroom the whole week.

During the summer of seventh grade, the same summer I went to baseball camp, I began to practice more masculine gestures in the mirror.  I would watch other men.  I noticed how reserved they were and how they weren't 'swishy' like me.  Everyday for hours I would practice deepening my voice and make stern almost mean facial expressions.  I played baseball with my dad, who was thrilled I stopped playing with dolls, and worked out with weights.

By eighth grade, I was a little bigger, a little more masculine and thought things would be different.  Boy was I wrong.  The eight graders had gone off to high school, but the kids in my grade were still there and made sure the new crop of seventh graders knew just how much of a freak I was.  I got beat up just a much, even by the younger guys. 

I didn't get any more respect from the girls.  I wasn't even close to being cute.  I was 20 to 30 pounds underweight, still effeminate although less so, and bitter because I had a shitty life.  I thought twice about committing suicide those two years but couldn't bring myself to even get close to doing it.  I had no friends, not one.

I continued to struggle with trying to act straight and over the course of the eight grade but it wasn't enough.  In one fight, one of the boys kept grabbing my genitals and telling everyone I was a homo.  That was the first time I realized there was a label for my fucked up disease.

Finally in ninth grade, my body began to change.  I was practicing being more masculine, working out, playing sports and dating girls.  I was a total fake all around and that was more acceptable to the people around me than my true gay self.  Ninth grade was much better for me but I was still miserable because, as much as I lusted after every hot guy at school, I thought I was the only one who was like this.  Yes, it was confirmed, I was a total fucked up freak like the guy in the seventh grade told me, at least in my mind then.  I was certain back then that I was the only homosexual in all of Miami.  The only one, that is, until others like me started moving into my parent's South Beach neighborhood.

Comments

[Tom]

The story sounds so familiar! Change the city and it is mine (well, except the gays never moved into my neighborhood). I think it is a striking comment that for many, if not most, of us, we are the first gay person we knew-- that when we first realized we were gay, we each thought we were the only one in the world. No wonder we stick together in adulthood.

[david]

well thats about as familiar a story as i've ever read. i did catholic school in a small town though so i grew up as 'different' with the same 11 people all the way to 8th grade. no one ever beat me up but starting somewhere around 3rd grade no one wanted to be my friend. high school changed things a lot because i went to public high school and got to be with tons of new people. i figured out i was gay somewhere in 9th grade and started admiting it in 10th. oddly, many of the people i became friends with there turned out to also be gay or lesbian. and we'd all been 'different' in grade school. the happy ending to the stoy is that out of solidarity we managed to stay different and by senior year that turned out to be cool.

[Phil]

I just came out, lost most of the people who I called friends, my family (other than my sister) and yeah. Life came crashing down, but I built a bridge and got over it sadly. It has been a few years now since I have talked to my parents.

[Irwin]

Gee, and I thoughy what I went through was bad. I'd say I had the same treatment, sans the beating. Then came the Internet and opened my eyes.

[Dave]

Whoa - how many of us had to go through that. Just like the first guy said, change the city and you got my life. Isn't a sad statement that we had to try to force ourselves to be something we did not want to be and maybe others could see we didn't respect ourselves so that made us even more of a target. I wouldn't change who I am now - but think how many of us didn't make it to adulthood because of the sadness and overwhelming feelings of shame, fear, etc. More young people need to know that it's ok to be themselves (I know that is more of a struggle in the US than in Canada - or so I'm told) and that it's not the end of the world. Today I'm far more successful than my tormentors, have a better life, a better job, good salary, great benefits, great friends, and despite the shitty treatment am doing pretty good. I guess the best revenge is living well!!

[David]

Not that many physical beatings for me, but lots of verbal attacks and vandalism of my property. This all started as early as fifth grade for me. By high school I knew there were others "like me" but I had nothing but contempt for them because I was determined to be popular. That was a lot of wasted energy. Thanks for sharing your story.

[Robert In LB]

Fascinating how so many of us experience the same mindset growing up, esp jr. high, albeit different experience but def. similar self perceptions of our appearance, significane, and most def. how others viewed us. Gawd I hated PE, esp. the team sports, best part of high school was being able to excell in track and gymnastics (lettered in both) which did not involve being picked for a team. By senior year I mixed my gymnastic abilities and less then jock personality and landed a spot on the cheerleading squad as a boy cheerleader and unexpectedly found part of the popular crowd. It was nice.

[Rodgersia]

What a memory! Hide from sports, Hate PE, how to just get through. I remember in 8th grade, the guy THEY focused on, being thrown out of the locker room into the hall naked. Teaches you to learn fast! (Naked in the hall was not cool at 14!)

[Dennis]

Thanks for sharing - it's unbelievable that no matter what decade we experienced junior and high school - we all had to face the bullies. You'd think after all these years - they'd finally get theirs.
Oh wait - they will. They're either straight and don't have the gay gene and will age horribly - have you seen some of your classmates lately - or they are still so far in the closet they're moth eaten.
Congratulations on making it through and being able to share your story. Perhaps some young gay man will read it and realize they are not alone.

[Ky]

guess we all had passed for that at least once in our lifes, personally i was attacked more verbally than phisically, but just when my classmates were in group. other times i talked with them individually and they weren't that offensive. I use to think when they are all together they need to show some 'masculinity'.

Now i have to say it's my first time reading your log and I liked it, also sorry my bad english.

[jake]

Okay, here's one for you. Do you think that feelings you had at the time of being unattractive and "a freak" has anything to do with your enjoyment of exhibitionism now? I had a fairly similar childhood and I definitely think it has something to do with why I went on to start lifting weights, became a go-go boy and still look for opportunities of all kinds to be told I look good. I guess now I want to hear over and over that I am attractive and desirable since nobody was saying it then.

[Mikal]

I grew up in Denmark in the thirties and forties. It was very different from America, way mellower. Homosexuality was not on everybody’s mind. I knew early on that I liked boys, I had mutual masturbation with a couple of friends when we were between 12 and 16. I knew that it meant more to me than to them, but I didn’t think of myself as homosexual. The little I heard about homosexuals was that they were kind of ridiculous, effeminate and also sad and lonely people, and I didn’t feel that I was like that. I was good at faking to be like everybody else, but I kept falling in love with straight boys, stealing my pleasure by being close, but never talking about it. This went on till I was 25 years old, many years without any sex at all. I did some petting with girls but it never got anywhere. When I finally came out everybody was accepting, but in some ways I feel that my experience was more cramping than what you went through here in America, less tough maybe, but it stretched over too many years, and it was hard to get over the feeling of being wrong. When I came out there was still no support, like Gay Pride etc.

[Myackie]

I can't believe you were the ONLY gay kid in your school.

What pissed me off was I was always open (I really had no choice) and sure, it made school kind of unpleasant.

But years later...it turned out there were others. Where the hell were they when I was being called "faggot"???

[Peter]

This bought back a few painful personal memories.High School for me was hell and on more than one occasion I contemplated suicide but really didnt know how to do it.And yes I thought I was the only gay person around and just couldnt understand why I was like this.It has taken me a long time to come to terms with myself and accept who I am,helped along by some wonderful friends and later on to by family.These excellent articles can only do good and let others out there know you are not on your own.
Thanks for a good read
Peter

[Uncle Zoloft]

I too wen through heterosexual hazing from 5th grade through my senior year in HS. Except I was sexually abused by three different older men when I was 9-11 yr. old. The mind f#ck that did to me was sureal ~ still working it out with a therapist. I was lucky enogh to find a hot classmate in senior year - but that also screwed up my mind.
On an up note ~ at every HS reunion I have gone to my tormentors have gotten balder, fatter, divorced -or- totally accepted me and apologized for their actions. At 45 I no longer take sh!t from any sexual bigot and will be celebrating my 15th aniversary with my partner this Nov.
Final thought: wish I had gotten those six pack abs when I had the chance.
Keep on Bloggin'!

[Edward]

Tks for sharing... the story.. really relates a lot to it.. esp the acting like a guy.. dropping the effeminate mannerisms, but sadly.. in an asia country like Singapore.. i onli came out wen i am 27 yrs old..seems like i have a lot to catch up wif, but feels too old to do anytin about it! But its true.. most of my tormentors.. are fat and ugly! hahaaha

[Carlos]

Thanks for sharing.. not easy to be yourself if you had to grow up in a Catholic family, in an "undeveloped" country like Colombia... sucked. Now i'm in my 30's and lived 5 years in Fort Lauderdale, now i'm in Colombia again... you can't imagine how different the world could be, jaja.. Great blog.

[Paul]

Yes. familiar. Im still going through that shit though. Not just familiar, exact.

[sean]

well all thouse storys brought back fellings and all but i was never the one who got picked on in hs only 7th grade that was hard i went to school in ca and only the hispanics would make fun of me then i went to hs in az and it wasnt hard i made friends fast and no one knew i was gay till 12th grade is when i came out to my closest friends and then they were like so what well i have never gone through the hard hard times like you all but i dont think i would have been able to handle it any way im turning 20 here soon and i have been with my partner now for a yr in sc and im open to all that know me and no one has a problem so but thatnks all for shareing

[Phil]

I wish I had known you then. We could have been friends. I didn't go through nearly what you did, but I was well aware that some people thought I was gay. Even my parents. I didn't have my first gay experience until I was 25 or 26, and that was at the encouragement of my girlfriend, who is now my wife. I don't get to "play" with guys too often, but she's totally supportive. I'm really lucky.

[Fredrik]

i went through the same when i was about 10 til 14/15, and it was also about about my intelligence, my weight, my hair (it wasnt short enough) and my music interests (they liked rap, i liked rock) wow looks like we would have got on kinda well. i lost interest in girls when i was kinda young, but didnt realize i was different, and then i thought i was bi, but i was wrong. i dont care anymore though, they are all unhappy and im not :)

[joel s.]

God that sounds some like me. I'm not certain if I'm gay or bisexual now, but in particular that part about the guy who said that to you with "good intentions." I kind of know what you mean in that when I was in middle school there were certain kids known to be bullies, who were incredibly physically abusive but often they were like that to everyone. So it was often in a way worse when for example some guy who was basically nice would just look at me like as if I was some kind of freak. Sort of a look of pity or revulsion like "Dude, what a pathetic excuse for a guy you are."

[Kris]

Wow. So precise and well described. when i was in 4th grade i think, i was on my way to PE, and my mom was following me to school cause she had a day off. we went to get something in my locker and i met a guy from my class standing in the hall. he asked me if it was true that I would rather be a girl. i said no, and he said, "well, that's just what some people say". i don't think he really meant to be mean, it wasn't really considerate either though, but the worst thing was that my mom was standing just a few meters behind me, and heard everything. I was so humiliated. and I cried, and didnt want to go to school any more. it was awful. i never got beat up though, and i'm sure others have had worse experiences than I, that one just stands out to me.

[jpgfq]

This reminds me of myself. I've been labeled as a fag since I was 10. Almost 100% of my friends are girls, oh well. I think my parents know and my grandma does, she always tells me if I'm gay it's ok, and she'll still love me. I've also thought about suicide, but my friends are really awesome. No one really wants to be around me because they all know I'm gay, even though I haven't told anyone. I guess it's just because I like a lot of girl stuff. Keep the stories coming, you are one of the most inspirational people I have ever met, even though I haven't met you.

[CJ]

fuck i cant believe how much i relate to this. i got beaten up in primary school (1st-7th grade) a few times but 4 some reason i didnt tell anyone at least not until much l8r. the guys beating me up were always carful not to leave any noticable marks and i got a hell of a lot of verble abuse to. i was never popular with the guys. this was well b4 i evn knew i was bi. there were a lot if girls to who never really liked me but there were a few who sympathised with me and am glad to still call a good number of them my friends 2day. then when high school hit (8th grade onwards for 6 years) things began to change. i mean the guys from primary still made it difficult and there were a large bunch of new fuckin arseholes to make my life a misery (we call them NEDS in scotland) and i even considered suicide aswell an several ocasions. but there were a great number of people, guys included that befriended me. the most important of which has bn my best friend 4 nearly 5 years now. not having a father figure in my life i really looked up to him, he was just the kinda guy i wanted to be, hes confident, and doesnt care what anyone else thinks about him and im glad to say iv become the same. mibi not as confident but he certainly helped me out of a difficult part of my life. he was even my first kiss. up until a year ago he was bi but ultimatly decided to go straight, which is a real bummer coz i really like him, A LOT, but im just so glad to have a friend like him.
Soz i realised i rammbled on there. al shut up now lol.

[Volker]

J, what an awful experience to go through but you made it! Its improved a lot since those days but we've still a long way to go to accept everyone as they are, total acceptance without judgement.

I wasn't much good at sports either but I did love dancing, especially the dances that involved the guys!!! I guess I knew I was different, it just took some time to accept. My personal experience wasn't as harsh as yours. Glad you've told your story! - V.

[A]

MY STORY
MANY OF THE FAMOUS PERSONS IN THE WORLD WERE LIKE ME.AND THEY RULED THE WORLD,AND SO WILL I.