Hospital

I'm trying this update from my blackberry.  He was admitted to the hospital Saturday, mostly for dehydration and secondly for a nasty bug he picked up in South America.  If all goes well, and it looks extremely promising, he will be discharged tomorrow morning.

I've had to fight the hospital to stay at his side because I am not family.  This is happening in fucking San Francisco where most guys are gay!  I can't imagine what all of you in the red states go through but would love to hear your horror stories or what you did to avoid this. 

Even with signed papers, which we prepared long ago, for me or Jeff to make medical decisions for him in an emergency, they say I am not allowed to stay all night.  That I can only make decisions not stay with him after visiting hours.  I told them they would have to drag my ass out of his room and put me in jail.  Nathan ripped his IV out right in front of one nurse and said, "fuck this Jared, lets go," but I made him stay put.  One of the nurses is gay and has helped me to stay.

later

j

Comments

[Brian]

Jared--we're all rooting for you, and sending you positive energy. and people wonder why we're making such a "big deal" about fighting for equal rights? this is why. --Brian p.s. tell Nathan we love him, too, but suggest he not rip any more IV's out of his arm... :-)

[mike]

praying for you and him and hope he gets well soon know howforeign bugs can cause problems cause my son picked one up in the phillipines in the corp and took forever to et rid of it. Do not let them get you down and take care of your man.

[Alex S]

Jesus Christ, I fucking hate bureaucracy, just stay Jared there is nothing they can really do, they aren't going to call the police. I hope Nathan gets better soon, don't forget to take care of yourself, he'll need you to be healthy.

[Dave]

IN SF - WOW, that surprises me.

Lots of good thoughts and prayers going your way. My suggestion is move to Canada (I'm not kidding, although I realize it's not much of an option). Even with the new conservative government in Ottawa, we still don't have to put up with that crap (even before I have friends in Saskatchewan where it was the hospital staff who made the efforts), especially now that we have legalized marriages acros the country.

Good luck Jared - keep up the fight, evenutually they'll get the message. I hope Nathan is doing better.

[Superdrewby]

It sounds like your boy has a real her of gold to help people and let himslef be put through so much. It just goes to show how amazingly special he is, but you already know how special he really is!

[TJ]

Hope all is better soon. Take care both of you! As for the hospital will it ever change here we are in 2006 and you'd think we would have moved forward but we seem to be going backwards. Sorry they were so awful to you. I was treated the same way when my partner was in hospital dying and they still wouldn't let me stay but that was in 1998 not that that should have made it any differnt. If I may ((HUGS)).

[mike]

hey there- been reading your blog for a bit of time now. Have gotten to unerstand the feelings you have for that love (who sounds like a total sweetheart by the way)of yours. Keep up the fight. We'll all here to support you - and the others who have to put up with this shit. Sending my best wishes from London.

[Steve]

I'm really glad you got Nathan to the doctor and they are taking care of him. I'll be even happier for you when he's healthy and home again! Keep fighting and stay by his side.

I can't believe you're having problems in SF. I'm in small town Georgia, and last time I was in the hospital they didn't blink an eye about my partner staying by my side for close to two weeks. Now one time back in North Carolina where he is from, he had to have a hospital stay and they gave me some crap about it. His mother stepped in and stated in an "argue with me and I'll kill you" matter that I was family and would be staying. Didn't have any problems after that either.

Best of luck to you guys, and pass along the message to Nathan that we're rooting for him to get better fast! Also, he can't leave you again, it tore my heart out hearing how sad you were!

[Stephen]

Jared, right by Nathan's side is where you need to be. Hospitals in the US are still some backwards places. I too live in the SF Bay Area, but luckily, when my husban got meningitis, only 1 Dr at the Veterans Hospital in Palo Alto questioned my presence. After his Mom said I was her "son" too, did the Dr relent. We're rooting for you, keep us updated. All our best!

[Paul Tornabene]

Don't move to Canada. It would take 6 months just to be seen by their National Health Care System. Maintain a low profile and the hospital security should leave you alone. Good luck to all .

[Will]

Good luck with Nathan. I read the blog religiously and can feel your concern for your partner. And on another note, I live in Canada, like the other guy and have never ever had a problem seeing a doctor, getting into the hospital or receiving medical treatment of any kind. Unlike an HMO, I get to chose my doctor, he provides excellent care and none of my friends (gay or straight) have ever experienced what Jared and Nathan are going through at their hospital. God it's bad enough to have to go through an illness without putting up with that crap. So things here are a little better than the last guy might think.

Hope all is well, keep up the blog it's clear we all love it!!

[Jake]

This has nothing to do with gay rights. Even if you were a straight couple you would have to put up the same fight to stay after visiting hours.

[Aron]

Take care, guys :-)

[Rob]

I'll burn some herbs for you guys tonight, Jared. Peace.

[Louis]

I hope Nate gets better... I'm sure he will.

A comment "by the way":

I'm in South America and would like to know where exactly he was.

South America can be dangerous in some specific places while doing some specific activities but it does not mean that if you come down here you'll get sick. We're civilized people.

[Bob]

While Wisconsin is technically a blue-state, it's still fly-over country, and I have a similar experience.

About a year ago, my boyfriend at the time had a heart condition, and right before spring break he had an operation. I wasn't allowed to see him directly after the operation due to complications, but I was able to around dinner. When it got to be the end of visiting hours, I asked the nurse if it was possibly to stay for a little longer, because I'd been waiting so long in the waiting area before I was allowed to see him. She grunted a bit, and then wrote me a note which I took down to the security office, and they gave me an overnight pass.

I had a midterm the next day so I only stayed until about 3 AM, and he was asleep by then anyway. It was still good to be there with him.

I think the nurse was a lesbian, which probably helped things. Also, when a doctor came by to check on things, he remarked that he could see the family resemblance, and he asked if we were brothers or cousins. We sorta hemmed and hawed and didn't answer the question, and he didn't push it.

So I guess disinformation is the best policy.

[Bob]

While Wisconsin is technically a blue-state, it's still fly-over country, and I have a similar experience.

About a year ago, my boyfriend at the time had a heart condition, and right before spring break he had an operation. I wasn't allowed to see him directly after the operation due to complications, but I was able to around dinner. When it got to be the end of visiting hours, I asked the nurse if it was possibly to stay for a little longer, because I'd been waiting so long in the waiting area before I was allowed to see him. She grunted a bit, and then wrote me a note which I took down to the security office, and they gave me an overnight pass.

I had a midterm the next day so I only stayed until about 3 AM, and he was asleep by then anyway. It was still good to be there with him.

I think the nurse was a lesbian, which probably helped things. Also, when a doctor came by to check on things, he remarked that he could see the family resemblance, and he asked if we were brothers or cousins. We sorta hemmed and hawed and didn't answer the question, and he didn't push it.

So I guess disinformation is the best policy.

[John]

Assholes rule the world, sadly (yes, even in Canada). I hope both Nathan and you are able to get out of the hospital soon. Don't let the morons get in the way of you doing what's right...stay with Nathan. Amor vincit omnia.

[Dave]

jared,
i'm from ann arbor michigan and, even though our city is a very open and progressive one, there can still be problems when it comes to hospitals and doctors and the like. my partner and i have a lesbian attorney and she has drawn up some really potent legal documents for us. she's also very intimidating and exudes a strong vibe of "don't fuck with me!"

it also helps that we legally hyphenated our last names. it makes us look like family in the eyes of the ignorant. that's something you and nathan might want to consider if you plan on spending your lives together. it really does make a number of things easier. i.e.; banking, medical, legal, hotels, cars, mortgages, airlines, insurance, living wills, etc.

the best advice i can give is to not back down. don't get hysterical because then people will just think you're a crazed drama queen. i stay very calm and very cool, in an eerily almost psycho kind of way, it scares the shit out of people. if the person in front of you isn't giving you the answer you want, ask for their superior. if that doesn't help, ask for the next superior up the chain and so on. and call your scary butch lesbian lawyer right away. let her put the fear of god in them!

you are both in my thoughts.

all my best,
dave.

[Joe]

Hi Jared, I'm a new reader...

That's horrible what they did. Nobody should ever be able to do that to two people who love eachother. I'd say sue, but I'm not sure it would get you anywhere. Glad you got to stay with him though, and that the nurse helped you. That was nice of him/her. I hope Nathan feels better... I'm sending well wishes his way.

[timldn]

Jared, You hang in there mate. Stay at Nathan's side. And don't let any hospital flunkie tell you different. Your being at Nathan's side is the very best medicine he can have. And any caring medical staff would know that. It is struggles like this that we still have to fight and win. We have every right to be treated as others are. The fight goes on. And we, all your readers, are with you every step of the way.

[Uncle Zoloft]

Jared,

Stay by Nate's side. When you need a break have Jeff there. One thing my partner reminds me, of my 2.5 week stay in the hospital, was that someone needed to be there to make sure I was well.

Red State Story:
1998 I had a dissecting aneurysm. My partner and I had all of our legal paperwork put together by my partner's dad, who is a lwayer, but forgot to grab it when he rushed me to the hospital.

Prince Effexor was not given any sh!t about staying by my side nightly ~ perhaps that was due to his local fame as a morning meterologist. 4 nights into my stay - still no diagnosis - just pain (like organ dying pain.) I pulled the IV out of my arm and demanded to be released [side note: I had only been fed morphine, ice chips and some fluids for 4 days.) My partner and his mom were in the room when this happened. The c#nt of a nurse starts my discharge - my partner and his mom begging her not to release me! Finally after jumping counters to get to a phone, my partner gets my Doctor who tears the c#nt of a nurse a new one for trying to release me.

The only other incident was when I was moved to another hospital for emergency surgery - to see if my small intestine was still alive. The person at the emergency check-in started to give my partner shit. Luckly a dear friend of ours was the head pediatric nurse at the hospital. She teared the check-in person a new hole and I was treated to nothing but top drawer treatment through my recovery - after surgery even I woke up in a room with a view!

What I've learned:

1) You should always stay by your partners side during such situations; especially until there is a solid diagnosis.

2) Get to nkow a nurse or two and doctors and/or their wives/husband's.

3) Keep watch over Nathan. That "some bug" is not a diagosis.

4) Having an organ necrotize is the most painful experience imaginable. It's like being sawed in half with a steak knife.

5) Love is staying by your partner's side in sickness and health.

6) Have some candy around his hospital room - have him offer it to all the hospital staff that come in and out of his room. Talk about getting better care!

7) Finally. Our health insurance is just under what we pay for our mortage. In a couple of years it will be higher. Cananda is starting to sound like an option.

peace,
Uncle Z

[Kelly]

My thoughts are with you guys...I hope you do not run into any more issues at the hospital and I hope your stay there is not very long...My best to you both...

[crctboy]

I'm sorry you both have to go through the hassle of hospital redtape, it'll work out. I know how much you love Nathan - and I'm sure he knows it as well. He's very lucky to have you and Jeff in his life to love him and help him get well. My thoughts are with you guys.

[David]

Phew, glad Nathan is getting treatment. Interesting reading all the comments. I get the feeling that oddly enough, in the small red-state towns where everyone knows everyone, there isn't trouble with partners staying in rooms. Whereas in the big city blue state areas, it's the beaurocracy that gets in the way.

Listen to Uncle Z, he knows what he is talking about.

[tom]

i agree with uncle z...its a must that you monitor everything thats being done for him..cause hospitals are unsafe places!..........and.....most importantly..is you make sure he is checked for PARASITES!...and find a gooddoctor on the outside that treats them ..cause everything your telling us..points to that....

[tom]

ps....this really isnt about you....and staying the night...

[Sue]

OMG! My computer was on the fritz yesterday and I missed this post. I hope Nathan is feeling much better today. Don't let those jokers at the hospital push you around. Keep an eagle eye on them; Nathan is relying on you for that. Make sure he gets his meds on time and the correct ones too. Check that the diagnosis adn treatment plan makes sense. Ask questions if it doesn't.

What you could do on the legal front is get power of attorney for medical situations for eachother. That would mean that you would be required to grant consent for medical procedures if the person was unable to and also allowed access to medical records and the patient. Ask a lawyer about it. You may want to consider it at some point. My mom does it for a good friend of hers who is a single male with no close relatives.

Hugs to Nathan!

[JasonM]

Uncle Z the man. Having trouble staying all night isn't just a problem for gay people. Secret cell phones can help in emergencies. Agree on diagnosis and parasite possibility. Get second opinions.

[Alex]

You did the right thing. Tell them to go fuck themselves and to drag you out by your feet. Then get the ACLU and sue the shit out of them.

I hope he's better and that you're back home ASAP.

[butterscotch]

goddamn it! That really pisses me off! IS there any way to get his doctor involved? One would think if you have the papers signed and in order, that they would allow yours and his wishes to be upheld! Goddamn it! I hate how backwards America can be!

Hang in there! Don't let the bastards get you down!

[Volker]

Jared, I'm glad that Nathan is receiving care in a hospital and hopefully is being treated by a doctor familiar with tropical diseases. Hope Nathan gets well very soon, and you stay by his side and keep track of everything that is happening. My experience with the Canadian medical system has been great but they're not perfect, so it pays to keep tabs on things that are happening, and I've not had to wait six months for treatment. Issues come with the specialists where my current wait is two months. With GPs its different (the same day) and in an emergency I can go to the ER at a local hospital. Hope all ends well soon to everyone's benefit.

[Brenton]

Thinking of you guys. I hope Nathan pulls through ok.

[Uncle Zoloft]

BTW: I had a great Infectious Disease Doctor; 'cause they had no idea what had caused my aneurysm. I was tested for over 5000 things - all negative - but she was totally cool; kinda like Nancy Drew in doctor form. We had traveled to Italy earlier that year and stayed on a farm; she was all over every detail of that trip with tests.

If Nathan hasn't been seen by an infectious disease MD get one in there right now. He has to provide them with every detail, he can remember, of his trip and you can help get and convey the details.

Remember; people in the hospital need their feet rubbed with peppermint lotion and their hair washed, as well as a good rub of Ben Gay on the shoulders and neck - with surgical gloves on [so you don't have to wash the shit off.]

Peace and good health,
Uncle Z

[Alex S]

Uncle Z is really giving you good advice Jared, I hope you take it, Nathan needs you to do special things for him right now. I know you know that and are probably going way overboard, but just take goood care of him. People that say they don't want taken care of when they're sick really do need the attention anyway. I hope he's better today.

[Alec Bath]

What happened to you sucks... hopefully things here in CA will change soon, for the better, and permanently. I hope you are both well and happy.