
I wrote the entry below yesterday but didn't post it. This photo fit my mood so perfectly then. I got it here. I am way better today and looking forward to the weekend.
Hey guys, sorry for not posting the last few days. I'm in sort of a hopelessly romantic, sad, melancholy mood. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm just tired from a long and intense weekend and a hell work week. I don't know. I've been listening to 'Everything' by Lifehouse over and over again and that is not helping I've also been thinking about and missing Nathan a lot and that is so not helping either. I couldn't even bring myself to post or write anything because I kept tearing up. Stupid, I recognize, but that is where I am right now. I'm still in this dark place, but getting better. Time will heal. At least that is what they and you tell me.
I made some connections this weekend with guys I didn't know before but the funny thing about them was that I felt like I have known them all of my life. "Hi boys." I was just so comfortable with them. I almost felt like I was with Nathan and Jeff.
We experienced a lot together and had some really good times. Then once our time together passed, we split and went to our opposite ends of earth, at least that is how it felt. One left, then the other, then I was left alone. I felt really empty and almost drowned in the intense sadness. Fuck, I don't know why I get that way. It wasn't like I had fallen in love. I just met them, had an amazing time with them and didn't want it to end. I may never see them again, I don't know. It is always so hard for me to maintain distant relationships, even friendships. I have a hard enough time maintaining friendships in my own city and taking care of my boys. Maybe that is why I am sad. We are in just different places in this world and in our lives.
This may sound random within the context of my thoughts but sometimes I have trouble expressing my feelings verbally. It's hard for me. I can write about them, I just can't speak them. I do it in different ways though. Sometimes I tell a new friend that I like him just by taking him to Starbucks over and over again. Sometimes I do it by kissing him romantically by the pool even though he may not have realized I was being romantic at the time.
So by now you can probably tell I escaped for the weekend. I just had to get away from my real life. Sometimes it just takes getting out of your routine environment to really see the real and clear picture of what is happening in your life. That is exactly what happened to me. I got away, cleared the daily personal and work clutter from my head and was able to refocus on what is important in life. I'm clear and focused now on what I have to do. I'm ready to make some changes in my life. No silly, I'm not going to stop writing this blog.
Stay tuned. . .
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