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Friday, July 21, 2006

Comments

Lovely post. I agree with you.......we need to create some kind of community that cares about each other. IT's especially important for folks who don't have family. I"m blessed with family so can't imagine that i'll be alone......but still....it's nice to look out for our fellow man/woman.

love violette

Jared, I am 81, my health is good, I live with young people. Don't fear! You prepare so you won't be without means and you collect good karma by being kind to a lonely old man. That is the best you can do. You just have to trust life.
I am in a community, it does exist! Believe me, old age does not have to be miserable.
Check out optimysticbloghead.blogspot.com

Jared, relax! Do what you are able to do and what your heart dictates. Your good deed will reap rewards in the future. Remember, what goes around, comes around. So, chances are that when you and Nathan reach his age, someone will show the same compassion that you have shown to this gentleman. That is what I feel in my heart. Show love to all and it will be returned.

as a community we do need to become a bit more tribe like, epecially in smaller cities and rural areas.

Perhaps Nate or another for your friends could cover your weekly visit when you can't make it. Build this older man a tribe.

peace,
Uncle Z

We all have the ability to change the world - and we can do it through small acts. By you going to visit the man, bring him groceries, talk to him - and MORE- so MUCH MORE importantly listen to him - you have changed his world.

You have created the world for him that you are trying to describe.

Don't give up on him - keep up with the visits - and help him have the dignity and grace that you are looking for - you can change the world - and you are.

Jared, I'm 28 and have had the exact thoughts you do since I was 25. This is part of the reason I want children as well. I love kids but there's a small part of me hoping for someone more able to help me when I age.

There should be a gay retirement community, and more activity between young and older gays. It seems older guys are invisible in the gay community or that we are oblivious to them, we should work something out.

Your note is quite touching and speaks again to the goodness of your heart. I'm a little troubled though about suggestions of having kids for the purpose of old age security. That's a weak idea for two reasons, at least: (1) Having kids has to be a totally selfless act, and (2) It's become very unlikely in this country that kids in their adult years will be anywhere near their parents. My aged parents have two kids, but not in any proximity to be of any real help. My parents fortunately can rely on their friends and neighbors when they need help. That's their real help network, for better or worse.

Or, don't forget, you can save your money and have a house boy in your old age...one that looks like that AAG model from a day or two ago would make for excellent company in your twilight years!

I have the same thoughts. I have a spouse but no children. I worry that I will be alone, lose everything I love and own and die without dignity. There, how is that for depressing? I think I'm giong to check out that 81 year old commenter's blog. :)

Two weeks ago a friend of mine passed away in his apartment. He lived alone. He was only a block away from us in the Castro and we frequently bumped into him in the neighborhood. The last time we saw him was on Pride Sunday and he was saying that he would be cashing out his retirement and moving back to the East Coast next year. He was still very healthy in his 70s, and holding a full time job in downtown. I'd never anticipated his passing so soon.

We miss him. When I walk by Superstar video store, the Cove restaurant, and the bus stop next to Walgreens on 18th St, I still could not help myself from looking out for him as these were the places we used to bump into him.

Yes, the last couple of weeks I have been thinking exactly what you are thinking. Like you, saving as much as we can for our retirement while we are still young. However, all those money will not prevent us from dying alone.

Jared, I had to stop twice before I could start writing something. First time, after reading your text, and second, after all the wonderful comments and statements. I believe I may be the only one around here from Southern Europe. I think about this topic too, and perhaps more and more, as I'm no young man anymore. I guess if there's a place on this planet where those community ties may more easily develope it's in SF, for all I know. Facing those days of aging around here seems more like a nightmare. Sometimes you just don't want to think about it, but then again you're forced to it by circumstances. But it's rewarding to learn from others' experiences.
I'm still too much moved to be more articulate. I do thank you all for this unique moment... :-)

Jared,

I too think your comments are most touching.

I am a heterosexual male and have trouble dealing with your life style. That is MY problem, not yours.

I noted your statement that in old age, the system could prevent you from being with your loved one. That is wrong. As long as you are in a long term, committed relationship as I am, you should have the same legal rights as my wife and I have. It makes no difference if we agree with you. This whole country is about the right to disagree.

There is so much in the news about same-sex marriage and how the government wants to prevent it. The government does not grant marriages, that is a sacrement of the Church and the Church and chose to grant that or not. The government just needs to creat unions that allow all of us (straight, gay, gender neutral, transexuals, etc) the SAME rights under the LAW. The church is separate to do its own thing.

Jared, get the word out to folks that the country needs to stop fighting marriage and let ALL folks have their legal rights.

Enough soapbox but thanks for letting me vent.

John

Hey, bro. . .I'm 46 and a great financial planner, if I do say so myself. But, I share your concerns--both for myself and my roommate. I think his concerns are greater than mine--he's told me, for example, that he doesn't believe I'll be able to give him all he needs as he ages and (possible) sickens. That's hurtful to me, but I'm unclear on what to do with it. Thanks for sharing these important thoughts and allowing the rest of us to do the same.

Jared,
Bless you for your kindness. So, beautiful and caring. There is hope for us yet. There are no guarantees, gentle Jared. You live your life and take what comes. But what you are doing will come back to you... maybe it already has, in the loving form of a man named Nathan. I'll leave you with some meaningful Robert Browning:
"Grow old along with me.
The best is yet to be.
The last of life,
for which the first is made."

Peace.

im a bit scared of getting old too..but i face less problems than the ones you've laid out here..have you ever thought of maybe adopting? you would have children to take care of you and you would be able to leave things to them.

Jared, may you get billions of kudos and kisses and good karma, not only for the groceries, but most especially the sharing (conversation). I can't think of anybody who wants to be lonely, and even 30 minutes a day (or however the schedule can work) can make a huge difference in somebody's life.

Before I go further, a couple of pragmatic points: (1) kids aren't always beneficial. I know several gay fathers whose kids will have nothing to do with them (myself included), and we don't even consider the idea of them helping us in our twilight years; (2) regarding your estate, set up a trust. Not only is it easy to do, it's easier to modify than a will, and it keeps your estate out of the courts (thus saving a significant amount of money) when the time comes. California has some really good trust laws, and you'll spend about as much money establishing a trust as you would making a will and other documents to ensure your future and your estate. Many trust lawyers offer a free, 30-minute consult, talk to a couple of them. No harm, no foul.

As far as organizations that take care of (gay) people, BE WARY AND CHECK IT OUT *THOROUGHLY*. A gay friend of mine recently toured a facility in New Mexico that caters to gay retirees. "Caters" is the wrong word: seems they are more concerned about public appearance than substantive issues. (One example: my friend is wheelchair-bound. The facility had not complied with a fair number of ADA requirements for reasonable accommodations.) The place did, however, quickly and without question refund my friend's deposit.

I like your "tribe" concept, but there is a hitch: too many younger gays believe that all eldergays want to do is get into their pants. Sadly, that belief is valid more often than not, at least from what I've seen in the last 35 years. What I've also seen is that once that issue is dealt with (on both sides), the helping/assistance/supportive issues seem to activate automatically in a positive way.

I'm 50 years old, and have been disabled for the last 16 years. The help I've received from "the system," this includes several different organizations, facilities and government agencies in a few different Western states, has left me feeling horrified about my future in the twilight years. You are right to begin thinking about this issue at your age, and hopefully you can create some solutions for your use. Good luck.

A lurker in Washington State

Perhaps this is your chance to help someone who needs you so that you will be helped in the future. It is true that what we reap...we will sow. Help this old man as much as you can Jared and there will be someone to help you when you need it.

Yup - kids shouldn't automatically be seen as a "salvation in older years". Happily childfree, I think adult children can physically and emotionally take from their parents as much as they could give, in terms of money, obligations, etc. hey some kids won't grow up.

there IS a gay retirement community near santa fe, NM too lazy to google it, but I read about it a while back.

last - fuck material possesions, plasma TVs, fancy cars, and credit card debt. I'm 30 and I live simply and happily. I love traveling, been all over south america, the US, and my home in Denver. I value EXPERIENCES. Sushi dinners with friends, learning a new language, exploring a foreign city, are FAR more memorable at the end of your life than clothes and cars.

Save enough $$ to have financial security, and use the rest fill more mind with life and education.

This was a very touching post. I think all of us 'mo's think about these things eventually. I love your idea about creating families to take care of each other. I wonder if that could actually work...

Jared,
You write from the heart and you often touch mine. Thanks. I'm living alone and wondering about my future too...it's unknown for all of us, and that can either make it exciting or dreaded. I choose to think of it as a journey; an adventure. Keep in mind, too, that even straight couples, wealthy people, and those with kids all have those same insecurities we deal with. No one's exempt.

And while it's not everyone's cup of tea, I've found an accepting community of faith through my church. Obviously not every church is open and affirming, but there are lots of warm-hearted and welcoming Christian people out there. I'm glad to be part of that tribe.

Wonderful post! I wish you the very BEST! OMG, I love your blog! You post such sexxxy pictures & hott posts, keep up the WONDERFUL work! :o)

One of your most powerful posts that I have seen...Just recently having a birthday, I have also been thinking about this. I also work in the insurance industry, mainly life insurance, and long term care...on a daily basis I see people making life decisions for their family, straight and gay alike. It is scarey to see...I see those leaving money to wife, kid 1, kid 2 etc... i also see leaving money to business partner etc...what scares me the most is Long Term Care... we as gay individuals typically do not have kids who will be able to care for us as we grow old and with the way our Social Security and Medicare systems are going, we can not depend on them... we must save and to have gay or gay friendly retirement communities pop up, I think would be great...okay gonna wrap this up...Jared..awesome post, and as many said before...keep seeing this older man and chatting...good karma will follow...even if it is a nice young man chatting with you about all you have done, when you are 80 or so...sometimes life is good and to be able to remember it with a stranger is good...you are good!

With that post you really eloquently captured everything that I've been thinking for the past year.

Last year I lost two Grandparents. Their funerals were sad, affairs, but full of dignity and love from all of the friends and relatives they had both left behind. It really bought home to me many of the things you talk about here. I guess what worries me most isn't the actual funeral and perhaps having no one there, because all of my friends and relatives have gone, but my legacy. What will happen to my things - my books, photographs. I don't want to be forgotten is what I think I'm trying to say.

Because most of us won't have families in the form of grandchildren and children, I think that's why it's so important that as we get older we put our differences and our small prejudices about each other aside and as you allude to - become each others urban families. Just as we have in dark times before, we have to take care of each other. Always.

Hey Jared,

How brave and remarakable that you should raise this issue, and look at the response!! I trust you will find the time to keep seeing this old guy...here in N Ireland we have a project going where we are trying to create an archive of recordings ...gay men relating what it was like to be gay in the '30s/'40s etc. I know other places in the States have done the same. Not only does that give the person the chance to relate their life; it gives us a wonderful opportunity to revisit a life and time long past; to appreciate what gay men and women have gone through to allow us the freedoms we have today..and personally to allow us to understand the older gay community so many ignore today and think about how we want to live and be treated when we are of a certain age.

I have a son from a previous 'life' with whom I am very close and a great partner and good friends -young and old- I hope that we will all age together, support and love as we do today,but there are no guarantees. I am now 45 and have financilly sorted my future. I don't want to age LOL because the gay community seems all about youthfulness and sex, but it comes to us all and we do need to think and plan for that.

My enjoyment of reading your blog ( the sex and the pics are great!!) and respect for you is at an all time high for your openness and honesty in raising this issue here, and giving readers, st8/gay /young and old a chance to address it...good on you Jared...xx

Jared,
Get over it, you selfish little twit. Others don't build communities. I do. You do. Each person does. Expand your interest and explore other people.
What are you going to leave and to whom? Nothing. (name two persons who lived in "your" house before you bought it.)What you leave is who you are and how you live your life. Who you leave that to are the people you "know" and who "know" you - like your elderly friend. It's nice that you are able to think of others, but don't turn that into "Jared's Future Tragic Life." Look at it as "Jared's Generous Present Joyful Life." Ok? I was just teasing about the twit part.

Got here through Czech & Swede. It's a lovely post that ponders about getting old. I believe you will find time to visit the old man if you have the heart to share and blog about him -- he's on your heart. As regard to growing old, I remember when I first came out to my parents, the very first thing that came off their head is not who I was sleeping with, but what would happen when I get old and I'll all be by myself. I could understand their qualm out of their love for me - but outside of traditional values of marriage, I believe there exists invisible link and bondage between people who share the same community. I watch out for my friends and as they do the same we're expanding a netwrok of relationships that will allow us to meet each other's needs. Maybe the caring for those who have no family or friends start with you Jared, go inspire your friends to do the same. :)

Nice to see you coming to the deeper end of the pool on this topic as I recall the last ref. to gay seniors was after your snowboard/spank weekend with the older couple and it wasn't complimentary. Why get all high and mighty tho on what the tribe needs to do regarding care for seniors? Why not start by talking to the old guy in the bar or dance with the old guy on the dance floor. So what if he's a troll. You don't have to sleep with him. He's a person and part of our community. Or is he only worthy of your attention on your time and when safely put out of view in a rest home? Agism is one of the most apparent discriminations practiced and accepted in our community. You went to Palm Springs a few weeks back, the retirement destination for thousands of gay seniors, yet you did not mention a single conversation with a senior. Why do they scare you so?

Sure your posts have given me jerk material, but it's the wisdom and life experiences shared by my 60 . .70 . . 80+ year old friends that have brought me closer to the truth and joy life.

Jared what a very thoughtful and introspective post.

Yes getting old is an issue many gay men do not want to deal with. Gay culture focuses on geing young, pretty and party hearty. Too often we forget or just don't want to face the fact that we will all get old someday. As the years go by I realize that I have been lucky to know some older gay men and have gleaned a lot of knowledge from their experiences. If it wasn't for their pioneering spirit we would not be where we are today.

Being gay, lesbian or transgendered without children does make our later years a little more uncertain as to who will help care for us when we are older. But we have always made up our own "families" and/or support system and we will find ways when we are older to ensure that we have help.

There are groups of people looking to build gay retirement communities (Florida, Arizona, California, New Mexico, North Carolina - just a few from a Google search). While most of them are for able bodied people it will be just a matter of time before someone takes the next step and builds nursing care facilities specifically for gay and lesbian people or ones that cater mainly to our society.
In your post you sound apprehensive about getting older. Talk to other gentlemen like this man you met, glean some wisdom from their years of experience and how they faced getting older. It will make things easier, then remember to pass it forward someday when you are older to some questioning gay youth.
You are maturing into a solid adult with a good head on his shoulders. You have good friends and a great partner in Nate. Keep up this great blog!

I also have these concerns. Here are some comments, first continue to plan for your retirement. second as a community We are very powerfull finacally ( cant spell, sorry) we or some of use could start some gay retirement communities. I bet that it would be an excellent investment on the part of the group doing it. I also think it will happen naturally as we all have these concerns.
Also remember not to dwell on this to much.

Great post, Jared. It's great of you to help the old man. I have to admit that such thoughts have popped up in my head once or twice, but I have never really thought about it...perhaps it's just the fact that I'm 24 and have absolutely no idea where my life will be taking me in a couple of years from now.

However, the other part of me keeps telling me that I need to enjoy life as it is....because all this could end at a snap of the finger. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't live a hedonistic life. But I just enjoy every moment I can, with all its up and down and I don't let all these mind boggling thoughts take hold of me. :-)

Don't worry too much. With your good karma, all things will work out by itself in the end. Cheerz mate!

Hey Jared. This post really touched me in many ways. Your outright compassion and kindness are a blessing which is so seldom appreciated in our day to day lives. People are just so caught up in their own lives that others less fortunate are, more often than not, overlooked...

And although I am only 21, this post got me thinking about my own eventual retirement and possible tragedies, something I honestly have not ever thought about until now.

Scary stuff indeed!

Amazing post. I have been thinking about this lately too. My father passed away a few months ago and he wasn't in great financial shape and depended on me greatly; to make house payments, buy groceries, even to trim his toenails. He was in need of another hip replacement and then fell and broke his neck all before cancer just came out of the blue and took him. I thought about myself if in that situation in the future, who would be there for me? Very scary. It is something we put off thinking about.

part of me worries about this, too. robert gant of queer as folk fame is a part of the group called SAGE here in new york that tries to address the issues of gay elderlies.

as a tribe of gay men, we tend to discard the elderly...we even call them trolls. and on many occassion, i've caught myself giving some old guy a dirty look who's been staring at me. it's not right. part of it is that i've met many a creepy older gentlemen who like younger guys.

in 10 years, i'm thinking about opening a gay "retirement" community. i'm not sure how this is going to work though, but i thought that themed retirement communities could work. there are a few cropping up around the country: alumni groups, minority groups, etc.

would anyone of you ever want to retire in a themed community like this?

Jared ,I bumped into your blog today..very cool. I have never commented on a blog , however , this post struck a cord. I work in Medicine and could tell you hundreds of stories about elderly people in the gay community that present for care. Many of the situations range from sad to tragic.
What you are doing for this man is noble.
Keep it up my friend....

The scary thing is that as I read it I thought, "This sounds like me, this is exactly how I feel" Really scares me all the time, being old, neglected and alone... Of course offspring is certainly not a sure thing, I still cant help but wonder where I'm gonna end up... and i hope to Buddha I'm not alone

Yes, sad to say we all get older. At 64 and recently having experienced "being dumped" by my 38 year old lover of 12 years I could very easily give up hope. I look at the future as an adventure to be lived. Perhaps no more "us". Perhaps now is the time to get to know me. It's all part of life. Loses, gains, happiness, sadness. And you've probably brought more joy to that older gentleman than you'll ever know. Allow him to live his life over in your chats with him.

Actually some of these places already exist. I have been coming to the Fire Island Pines for 25 years. I am 56 years old now. this community is comprised of straight and gay, young and old, and we are indeed a community. there are many older gay men, straight men and straight women who get taken care of by younger people in their 30's, 40's and 50's. This type of caring community also exists in Provincetown and I imagine in other places. Granted, these are informal networks but there are real and viable.
If people work at building connections and networks of people through community throughout their lives, there is less chance that they will be alone in their later years. I am not saying that everyone will be taken care of, but the assumption that all older gays are alone and friendless is just not true.

from a french gay reader in Paris ,
brilliant analysis
that's life , fortunately or unfortunately !
our so called modern democracy promotes selfishness , individualism , consumerism
the only way to avoid such a mess is listening to others , be discrete and available without interfering too obviously
THIERRY

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What is CN?

Way back in August 2005 I started this blog and stopped writing several years later when life got too busy. I am leaving it up for future readers to find. I post pics almost every week though as I surf the net.

It isn't really about naked pics. It is about me exposing by deepest sexual secrets and leaving myself and my soul completely naked for the world to see.

Way back in the early 2000's I discovered a need to be vulnerable and naked in front of others, whether it be in public, among other naked guys, among clothed guys, or in front of authority.

Sometimes I like to be tied down, spanked, flogged and tortured. Sometimes I like to be physically examined and humiliated by someone of authority. I am a complete exhibitionist.

I also like to see others in the same situation where I am the one clothed or the one in authority.

I am not the greatest writer in the world. Some may say I stink and that I should keep my day job. I am not writing this blog to be a writer but to record my exploration of these fetishes. Every story is as accurate as my memory allows except the names of the people I encounter and most of the pictures. The pictures in this blog are, for the majority, not me. I pulled most of them from various sites on the internet. I will give credit to the individual photo owners when I know where they came from. If you see a pic that is yours and you want to take it down just let me know.

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