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Monday, November 20, 2006

Comments

Hey. I like this entry. Although I always say that I don't regret or that everything is a learning experience, I agree that there are things I wish I would have done differently...

1. I would have stayed in New York City and never moved back in with my parents.
2. I would have done more research as to finding work before moving to Europe.
3. Spent more time learning Italian before moving here.
4. Not followed my mother's advice so much when I was younger.
5. Left the religion earlier than I did.
6. Came out in school when everyone was calling me a fag and stood up to their shit more than I did.
7. Never have slept around on my boyfriend.
8. Never started smoking.
9. Not dropped the opportunity to write the research paper with a professor at school.

There's probably more, but all that I can think of for now.

;-) Nate.

regrets, regrets, life's just full of them. Here my list.

1. acted like a slut when i had the chance
2. worked harder at my past relationships
3. not get into my past relationships
4. saved more money
5. ya not started smoking (sigh)
6. not wasted my time at law school
7. had the courage to stand up at kids in school
8. realized how important it was to keep my face blemish free
9. got into my line of work earlier
10. found a way to stay in london

the thing is, all these so called bad things have made me the person i am today. if these things didn't happen i won't be what i am now. as screwed up as i am currently, i like myself fine. i guess that's what's important.

I wish I had
1) Never moved to Atlanta.
2) Stayed in the closet.
3) Never gone to a club or the gym. They made me realize how ugly I truely am.
4) Spent more time finding out what I loved.
5) never said yes to my first job after college.
6) left my ex eariler than I did.
7) I had never dated.

Regrets, where do you stop?
Got my medical issue fixed when I was young
Talked to Vince at work before I went on holiday, he was gone when I got back
Had some sex
Come out (still haven’t) years ago
Looked after myself better, kept my shape and not got fat
Been more “normal”, and had more friends, how hard can it be to pretend to like sports?
Had a family (I’m not sure if that’s before or after coming out…)
Not wasted SO much money on drink, food, everything, I could have paid off the mortgage over the last four years
Kept up the earlier mortgage
Not discovered internet porn
Left my job at the family business six years earlier
Stood up to my father when I was a teenager
Thanked him for everything he did for me
Had more self control


I must have missed that on this site, I didn't think you'd reached your thirties... Apart from the above regrets, I think the thirties are better than the twenties, on balance.

i dont think they were really shallow or stupid..
this one: "Not let those fucking kids make me believe how ugly I was." got to me a bit..coz i had to deal with that too.
im not old enough to have too many regrets, but :
i wish i had

- realized its ok to be who i am earlier
- not cared about the stupid things i cared about in middle school
- not let my amazing relationship fall apart..im still dealing with that
- told more people how much i liked them OR how much i didnt like them
- not fucked up my hair so many times
- played some kind of sport just so i could like exercising a little more
- started to care about school earlier

im sure ive got tons of minor things (like the hair thing..doesnt do much about my character)..but i think most of these would have made a big difference..but oh well. im pretty happy with myself now so i guess thats all that counts eh?

I wish, I fucking wish with all my heart, that I had had the guts to hold that boy's gaze at the gym, just that one all important time. That beautiful boy who, after months of exasperating, surreptitious cruising, finally, finally, late one night, tentatively looked up at me with brilliant green eyes flecked with gold. I folded, I flaked, I bailed. I never saw him again. I think of him nearly every day. I’m all but certain that I still would have wound up in Italy (a nod here to Nate), happy and content, but I’d give anything to turn back the clock and know for sure.

Everything else is fine.

Hey Jared, not only will i post them here, I've posted them on my blog too!
1. Started working out earlier
2. Not believed all the bullies at school
3. Realised my sexuality earlier
4. Been stronger in my opinions and decisions
5. Posed for an artist
6. Not been so prudish for so long (I've made up for that one a bit)
7. Been bolder in approaching people I think are hot.
8. Been a bit more careful with money
9. Got rid of the first nutbag boyfriend earlier
10. Had more belief in myself.
11. Pushed myself to actually have that exhibition
12. Done some amateur theatre

Hey Jared, not only will i post them here, I've posted them on my blog too!
1. Started working out earlier
2. Not believed all the bullies at school
3. Realised my sexuality earlier
4. Been stronger in my opinions and decisions
5. Posed for an artist
6. Not been so prudish for so long (I've made up for that one a bit)
7. Been bolder in approaching people I think are hot.
8. Been a bit more careful with money
9. Got rid of the first nutbag boyfriend earlier
10. Had more belief in myself.
11. Pushed myself to actually have that exhibition
12. Done some amateur theatre

You guys are exactly right....the things we did, or did not, do made us who we are and brought us exactly to where we are today.....which is cool if you're where you want to be and not so cool if you're not.....All of that bull____ (can I use profanity here???) to bring you to my (partial and not well thought out) list: I wish I hada':

1. Came out WAY earlier
2. Been naughty and nasty WAY earlier
3. Finished college and stuck a degree in my back pocket
4. NEVER gotten married
5. NEVER slept with a chick
6. Made just a little more money, not much, just a little
7. Worked out so I had a rock hard body and looked like a total hottie
8. Checked out fettish and kink long time ago
9. Spent more time in locker rooms with naked guys
10. Found the nude beach before the "mid summer of my life."

Okay, I'll jump into this one too.

Some of mine are similar to yours.

I would have:

- Learned several languages.
- Not spent so much time in the Air Force.
- Concentrated more on my career.
- Purchased a house when I had the chance.
- Listened more to my father.
- Come out in high school.
- Continued the piano lessons.
- Started my new career earlier.
- Not let those fucking kids make me believe how ugly I was (god I hated them...while I don't condone what happened at Columbine, I sure know what led up to it happening).
- Stayed closer to my sister Heather, but that's not too late to change.
- Stuck with the cross country team in high school, and joined the wrestling team.
- Worked out harder, and not given up a year and a half ago. I'm now paying the price every time I look in the mirror as I get in the shower.
- Not be so scared of what people think of me.
- Discovered my fetishes earlier than 30 (amen, brother).
- Spent more time loving myself instead of tearing myself down.
- Spent money on something other than that stupid bike.
- Looked before I leapt.
- Not given up yoga, because it was really helping me spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

Geez...now I have a lump in my throat.

Something's gotten screwed up with the postings above. Shows "Brenton" with my posting items...hum. So, I'll show mine again....and add one or two more that I've thought of.
You guys are exactly right....the things we did, or did not, do made us who we are and brought us exactly to where we are today.....which is cool if you're where you want to be and not so cool if you're not.....All of that bull____ (can I use profanity here???) to bring you to my (partial and not well thought out) list: I wish I hada':

1. Came out WAY earlier
2. Been naughty and nasty WAY earlier
3. Finished college and stuck a degree in my back pocket
4. NEVER gotten married
5. NEVER slept with a chick
6. Made just a little more money, not much, just a little
7. Worked out so I had a rock hard body and looked like a total hottie
8. Checked out fettish and kink long time ago
9. Spent more time in locker rooms with naked guys
10. Found the nude beach before the "mid summer of my life."
11. Gone commando much sooner.....although I'm totally wet just thinking about a guy in a hot pair of underwear
12. Done some sort of consistent exercise...yoga, cario, lifting, something!
Thanks.....
Lewis http://www.spiritofsaintlewis.blogspot.com


I wish I had:
1. Not been so scared growing up.
2. Learned to be a confident boy.
3. Wrestled in school.
4. Invited the boy on Catalina Island to my bed the night he slept in my room.
5. Flirted with the handsome guy who decided to help me learn skiing for no apparent reason.
6. Took dance seriously.
7. Really learned to play piano.
8. Slept with a girl, just once.
9. Let the trick leave in the morning, instead of leaving him 12 years later.
10.Appreciated just how blessed and full my life has been and continues to be.

I don't have regrets, or wish that I had done something or not done something.

For I believe that I am the sum of my experiences, as we all are. Without the bad relationship I would not have learnt what a good relationship is, nor would I have been able to enter one.

those kids at school who bullied me? They helped shape me into who I am today and helped allow me find my ambition and prove to myself that yes while I am gay there is more to me than just that.

Without having done the things I have done, both good and bad I would not be who I am today, and I like who I am.

And life is fun! I have dreams, goals and desires still to achieve, I refuse to say I wish I had, instead I say I will, and then I do something about it!

Just one for me, if I were able to do it over again, I would have totally made a move on Adam, a guy from my pledge class whom invited me to spend Thanksgiving with he and his family in Portland, he was a serious closet case with a hot hard frat boy bod, horny as hell, we were both laying on his bed, he was waiting for me to make a move (I only know this in hindsight) and I was too scared to know better. The moment passed, nothing happened. Sense coming out, life has been good, I have no idea if he ever came out, he was pretty deep in the closet. Something that comes to mind every Thanksgiving week. Go figure.

Amazing how similar the lists are regardless of age. Here's mine off the top of my head.

I wish I had:

learned more languages
traveled after college rather than getting married and taking a job
planned my life
come out in high school
continued the piano lessons
taken art lessons
moved to New York and stayed there
started writing seriously in my twenties
told my father I loved him
not pissed away my first financial windfall
stayed in good physical shape all my life
sucked and fucked every chance I had
developed more friendships
forgiven people
been less selfish
read more, learned more, discovered more music, laughed more,

hell, in reality, it's nevere too late

1. Come out in college. I felt I missed a lot of opportunity to network and get involved in local GLBT organizations.
2. Taken that job in San Diego in 1994 and moved away from hometown. It's hard being gay "where everybody knows your name."
3. Invested in retirement earlier. 40 is around the corner.
4. Had the courage to express my feelings toward others, without feeling offensive toward them or feeling rejected by them.

But I cannot complain about what life has given me.

Great Post Mate!
Found you through Aussielicious!
Keep up the cool posts!
Now as for what I would change!
I need a couple of days...lol

If I had to do it all over again I would have:

- Been out in high school. I wasn't to protect my brother but he told everyone anyway so it didn't matter.
- Moved in with Alex when he asked. Maybe he'd still be alive and I wouldn't be such a mess.
- Worked out period.
- Been in that play in high school and f*ck the stage fright.
- Moved to Seattle when I had the chance.
- Spent more time with friends and less time reading alone.
- Finished my novel.
- Not become addicted to drugs and lose a whole a year of my life.
- Gone to work sooner.
- Not wasted time on 9 different majors before going into hospitality.
- Had less sex and more love.
- Not lost touch with my mom.
- Not left my comics behind when I moved out, maybe I'd still have them.
- Finished the senior yearbook even without the rest of the staff.
- Learned to drive at 16 not 18.
- Lived better.

I wish I had gotten together with my dear beautiful friend from college. We were friends then and only after I left Texas and came back to CA did we ever discuss how deeply we both actually felt about each other.

Shortly after college, he met the man who infected him with HIV and he was dead within 2 years.

If I had to do it all over again I would have:

• Seduced my crushes in school.
• Come out as soon as I knew.
• Stood up to my father.
• Cultivated my talents at an early age.
• Quit school at 16.
• Never been afraid of showing my desire.
• Taken music lessons.
• Been self-assertive in my teens.
• Not been so selfish.
• Written a journal every day.
• Worked out more.
• Prevented a suicide.
• Never smoked cigarettes.
• Clarified my beliefs earlier.

But half of these thing I have done later, so I guess I was just a late bloomer.

i would have...
* been more patient in relationships...
* taken care of my car more.
* invested my money instead of shopping...
* asked more questions...
* worked out more.
* ate more...
* took up more classes.
* cared for my face...
* be less lazy...
* got my braces at an earlier age...
* finished my entire course before changing it...

I must say that the previous comments are really liberating. I must add my two cents worth...

1. I see this is common - come out WAY earlier - jeez I remember looking at kids in primary school who "developed" earlier than I did - I still love hairy legs
2. Not give up piano at 10 years of age
3. Stayed at art class
4. Spent more time just with friends
5. Done the naughty stuff earlier
6. Kept my 21yr old body :)
7. Worked out I was gat much earlier - the number of time I've met people that have said "oh, if I'd new you were gay back then..."
8. Done my honours year project
9. Come out to my parents
10. Maybe, just maybe, gone all the way with that girl - just to see what it was like.....

regrets are silly cause you have no way to know if a different path would have made any difference,,you would just be here writing a different set of regrets...the older you get the only memories that you will miss are all the fun nights and times you spent with friends being silly and laughing...and thats the real regret..that in life youth passes us by so quickly......nothing else ever really matters..

I don't think it's wrong to have regrets mate. It helps you do things differently in the future. Like asking someone you've been crushin' on out because you didn't the last time and have been regretting it ever since.

I would like :

- Say to my boyfriend before the bike's accident I was totaly falling in love with him.

- to tell more often what I can think about my family 's indifference.

- to feel the courage to get a new boyfriend

- to change my own way, and to live as I need to live

- to be not so much sensible as I am.

Now that I'm in my mid thirties, I'm finally ready to be 18. If I could do it again, I would have

• Admitted to myself that I was gay instead of waiting 10 years (until I was 24) to realize it wasn't a phase and truly believe it wasn't a choice.
• Never ever have been ashamed of being gay and never had the constant cycles of destructive depression that came with those feelings.
• Moved to California at 18.
• Come out to my family at 18, right after moving to California. I would have liked to come out in high school, but it was such a small town, it would have done serious damage to my family.
• Never stopped the lifting and aerobic workouts I started when I was 14 and kept doing them all my life, instead of letting other things like career becoming a priority and leaving no time for exercise.
• (direct copy from jared) Not let those fucking kids make me believe how ugly I was.
• Start the career I'm in now instead of going back to college three times.
• Realized that I believed in God earlier instead of claiming to be an atheist because organized religions are so screwed up.
• Start learning in high school the three languages I'm learning, instead of starting last year.
• (direct copy from jared) Not be so scared of what people think of me.
• Had this blog to read when I was in high school (even though there was no world wide web back then).
• Realized that Mike was just as in the closet as I was and kissed him when he pinned me against the bed, that one morning, years ago.
• Learned to play the guitar, like I'm doing now.
• Not have spent countless hours, days, weeks, months regretting my life up to last year.

It's almost always a complete was of time to regret something. Just learn from your mistakes and move on. Don't wallow in the self pity of regret.

Question for jared: When you said, "Stayed closer to my family." do you mean geographically or emotionally?

interesting post ~ if I had the chance to re-do my life, I'd tweak it like so:

Been truthful that I liked both sexes equally well.

Stayed single until I was at least 30.

Enjoyed the cute skinny body I had until the age of 25

Travelled as much as possible

Finished my undergraduate degree a lot sooner!

Discovered my true self and my fetishes at a younger age

Been true to who and what I was, instead of being afraid of folks reactions to me being a wee bit different.

* be more sensitive too other peoples feelings
* date more
* be more involved in family
*help more arround

If I had to do it all over again I would have:
- Learned to stand up to the bullies
- Stuck with gymnastics
- Performed in Community Theater when I was a kid
- Come out, at least to myself, in high school
- Fallen in love
- Lost my virginity BEFORE I graduated college
- Said “yes” to that guy in Madrid
- Not have been afraid nearly as much
- Taken more chances overall

If I had to do it all over again:
- I wouldn't have lost my virginity to the Baptist ministers eldest son at 15.
- Would have quit my parents religion and left home earlier.
- Not been so promiscuous.
- Dealt with my attacks sooner.
- Never done hard drugs.
- Not tried to kill myself.
- Not partied away a small fortune.
- Been more honest with my close friends who never knew anything about me, but who I love.
- I still would have started smoking, ironically enough.

i been readin' your blog for a while now.. dude - it rocks..

as for regrets.. here goes..

1) wished i had the guts to stand up to those kids whose approval i really wanted..

2) wished i didn't care what they thought and did my own thing when i was way younger

3) wished i could get even with the ex

I wish I had never started doing crystal...

My tweaks would be:

* Been less defensive towards non-gay people in high school and college.

* Been less clueless about some of the hot sex+? opportunities that came my way when I was younger.

* Had sex with a woman, just to see what it was like.

* (Not so much a regret as a wish) Expressed my appreciation for all the people who've helped me along the way.

I did most of these things people regret not doing. The biggest thing I don't regret doing is making my mistakes and having my fun early, so I don't waste adulthood in youthful folly.

I'm very glad that I:

* Got over both my gay vanity and my body image "issues" (excuse me, I mean "self[-absorbed] esteem bulls***" - also known as THE Gay Achilles' Heel) early.

* Had enough mansex to know what all the good stuff is like.

* Experienced love enough to distinguish the good from the bad.

* Stood up for myself, even when it cost me. Self respect is priceless.

* Paid attention to other people's mistakes instead of learning everything the hard way or too late.

* Paid attention to other people's worth, even when they weren't pretty, rich, young, and fabulous.

And I thank God for helping me out here and there, 'cause I needed it.

Honestly, I have very few regrets. I don't believe in them. My mistakes and the negative things that have happened to me are what have made me who I am and there are very few things I would change. I try to fully embrace my faults, flaws, and all the bad shit that people have done to me and turn that around to be something empowering whenever I can.

If I had to pick one thing to do differently, I would say I wish I had fooled around more with my best friend and next door neighbor when I was 9. He was 10 or 11 and we used to play together and jack off, but never touched each other because I was scared. We used to dare eachother to suck it but never would. He moved away a year later and I never saw him again. I think if I had jumped at it I might have come out in middle or high school. Instead I waited until I was 18 and at college to come out and lose my virginity. But, 9 is pretty young to figure this shit out so it really isn't a big regret. Besides, how many people really wish they had been MORE slutty...other than Jared, of course... hehehe ;)

Oh, I know that all my experiences are good in that they have led me to where I am today, but still, if I knew then what I know now, I would have...
1. Kept my big mouth shut more often and listened to others more.
2. Tried more to reach out to the shy, lonely, scared kids who really needed a friend, especially in high school, instead of trying to ingratiate myself with the popular crowd.
3. Slept around a lot less, and tried a lot harder to make my relationships work.
4. Turned off the depressing TV and radio news and ignored the Bush/Cheney years as much as possible
5. Moved out of Ohio a long time ago

1. Completed the forms to emigrate to Australia even after discovering I would be a father. We could all have become Aussies.
2. Asked my parents why they left me when I was 4.
3. Overcome my fear of being gay when I was 14 and already knew, instead of 27.
4. Gone out with the cute guy who worked with my mother when he asked me to go into New York City to a club.
5. Stuck with my plan to go to medical school.
6. Taken advantage of my dual UK/US citizenship.
7. Told the girl I married in college that I am gay before I married her.
8. Stayed with a man I loved and protected him from the thing which killed him. I still dream of him 20 years on.
9. Not slept with the guy who infected me when I discovered my supply of condoms was depleted.
10. Not hidden from my daughter and son that I am gay when they were young instead of keeping my life so rigidly compartmentalised that they weren't sure Daddy loved them for a time.
11. Made my friend Danny take back that psychotic cat who over a period of years ruined three sofas, one easy chair, two door frames, and all the carpet in the house.
12. Kept my alcoholic, drug addicted, lying sister out of my life, but who would protect her daughter she birthed in a bathroom.
13. Not taken really dangerous drugs in high school and college.
14. Not stored my stash in my best friend's dorm room. When she got busted, I offered to marry her to help with the plea agreement. She accepted.
15. Never bought a Dodge.
16. Waited past age 13 to have butt sex with a boy who was 14. It put me off until I was 24 when I discovered it didn't have to hurt.
17. Discovered how much fun rugby is when my body was younger and more resilient. It is the most fantastic fun outside of sex.

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Adspace Dude

What is CN?

Way back in August 2005 I started this blog and stopped writing several years later when life got too busy. I am leaving it up for future readers to find. I post pics almost every week though as I surf the net.

It isn't really about naked pics. It is about me exposing by deepest sexual secrets and leaving myself and my soul completely naked for the world to see.

Way back in the early 2000's I discovered a need to be vulnerable and naked in front of others, whether it be in public, among other naked guys, among clothed guys, or in front of authority.

Sometimes I like to be tied down, spanked, flogged and tortured. Sometimes I like to be physically examined and humiliated by someone of authority. I am a complete exhibitionist.

I also like to see others in the same situation where I am the one clothed or the one in authority.

I am not the greatest writer in the world. Some may say I stink and that I should keep my day job. I am not writing this blog to be a writer but to record my exploration of these fetishes. Every story is as accurate as my memory allows except the names of the people I encounter and most of the pictures. The pictures in this blog are, for the majority, not me. I pulled most of them from various sites on the internet. I will give credit to the individual photo owners when I know where they came from. If you see a pic that is yours and you want to take it down just let me know.

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