I was suicidal

I'm fourteen.  I found your blog looking for some last hopes for keeping my life. I'm a Mormon. Born and raised. I love Christians as a people and respect them very much. But I can't stand having to go to church mutiple times week and be told I'm going to hell for something I can't help. (I haven't come out and this is still a regular process. I just don't take it to heart so much.) I had my suicide note written and was planning on taking alot of sleeping medication and try to call all the people I love and tell them that before I went. I figured that in my sleep I could be whoever I wanted to be, do whatever I felt like doing and not get chastised, judged, or hated for. So I figured I would rather be asleep for good rather than go through this daily torment. But... Then I found your blog. I read about how you had a couple rough spots in your childhood. And how some of your readers had some really bad childhoods. But then after they suffered through those stages in their lives they went on to blossom like a rose in the dessert. I know I'm different and I'm ok with that. I know out there there is someone who will love me for who I am. But I don't see how I can live this life without my family. See, if I EVER came out to them they would think me of the devil and cast me out. The only ones who I'm not sure wouldnt are my older brother and sister. I'm the ninth child and my family has always been there for me,we are proud and we look out for each other, but I know if I ever -did- come out to them I would have to be prepared to be cut off from them forever. I don't know if I could do that. My dad has already told me- "Son I've survived alot of things in this life. But I don't think I could stand to live if I ever found out that one of my sons was a fagget." when he said this my heart was crushed. So I turned to the enternet for support.  And I kept comming up empty handed. I found a lot of stuff.

But none that made me feel better about myself. Until one day I stumbled onto your blog. I started reading about your childhood and and your experiences.

You gave me hope. Hope that someday I wouldn't be ashamed of who I am. Hope that I could live a lifstyle in which I felt comfortable. Hope that I would someday be happy. I'm happy when I read your blog Jared. I feel hope when I read your blog. But I've felt a little lonely lately when you said that you would be posting less and less. If I can make a suggestion, why don't you have Nathan help write about yall guys life.  I miss hearing about you and Nate and Jeff. I don't care if you ever use this in one of your posts. If you do all I ask is that you don't use my full name. But can you shoot me an email back on some advice on telling  my friends or family? Please! :P it would mean a lot to me. Thanks.

Comments

[3e3tt]

Poor guy. Continue the fight and be proud. Eventually you will have to leave people who are unloving behind.

[Curtis Farr]

Hey bud, like many readers here, I can relate to your story. Much of my family is extremely conservative. Many of them have said hateful things in the past because of their "Christian" beliefs.

You have to stick in there. Suicide wouldn't be worth it. I was close several times in my life, in your same position. Just be patient and take everything step by step.

I don't know you or your family, but I do know from my own experience, and the experiences of many friends, that people surprise you. I finally told the more conservative parts of my family a few months ago. Their reactions shocked me. I think you might find some of the same in your own situation.

In the meantime, you might find this insightful as far as homosexuality and Christianity.

http://www.soulforce.org/pdf/whatthebiblesays.pdf

It is a very well-written resource. I've found it useful in telling my family and clarifying my own beliefs.

[Volker]

I am saddened in one way but buoyed in hope that this young man can find the love and acceptence he so much deserves. Jared, you can forward my email to him if it'll help. Looks like he needs someone to talk with, someone non-judgemental! There are those of us with you in spirit if not in person. Stay strong!!! - V.

[Joal]

25yo guy here who went through exactly the same thing. Hang on bud...there is hope. You can be YOURSELF. REALLY. AND BE HAPPY. email me to talk about this ANYTIME and you can even call me. DO NOT hurt yourself. Guys like YOU are who I look up to.

Joal

[Bobby]

Hi, I am saddened to hear you feel painted into a corner when it comes to your family but I am very hopeful knowing you are reaching out to others. There are a lot of people out here who can relate to you and who can offer you advice. I hope you keep fighting the good fight and, yes, there is a very lucky guy out there for you, you just haven't met him yet. Just be patient, there is no need to rush anything.
--Bobby

[Charlie]

Hi. I have been there. When I was 24 I was hospitalized after a suicide attempt and still couldn't admit it to my family or myself or therapists or psychiatrists. The hardest step sometimes is admitting it to yourself. And you're there. I came out last year at 27 to my friends and family exhausted with hiding the truth. My friends and family practically applauded at the news, even my homophobic father. Bottom line, your family wants you to be happy and alive. For me it took finding happiness apart from my family first. I wanted to share my happiness with them, not my despair. Coming out seems ominous. You don't have to rush into it. The important thing is that you know who you are. Everything else will fall into place. - Charlie

[MoHoHawaii]

You may have to wait until you're older and financially independent before coming out to your family. (They may surprise you.) In the meantime, there are lots of resources online for gay Mormons. Check out affirmation.org and gaymormonstories.com. If you search for "gay Mormon blogs" you'll find lots bloggers. Don't do this alone!

Best of luck to you.

[Cj]

I dont normally say much, but this hits very close to home... Hang in there. I had to wait until I was 18 to come out to my family, as I would have suffered the same fate. Being kicked out of the house at 14 and everyone who cared would have been devastating to me as well, which is exactly what would have happened. You will be surprised on how many will continue to care for you and be there for you. Your siblings, as they may not understand, will more than likely be there for you. I am not mormon, so I don't know how it would be, but my siblings have always been a strong support for me, even though my mother and father don't want to deal with anything. I was very close to suicide as well when I was around your age. Please believe, even though its rough, things do and will get better. There will be people there for you, and will care for you because of who you are, not what you are. also remember that you are never alone, even though it seems that way at times.

[Kevin]

I'm a 33-yr old Mormon. I just came out 10 months ago. I've had ONE family just start turning me away a few months ago -but MY OWN family surprised me greatly! Even some of my best friends.

I anticipated arguing, hateful comments, being shunned, and 'disappointment' -but I was very blessed and received support & love. Even the very people I had heard say negative things about gays have been amazingly supportive. One of my brothers & told his wife a few years back (they knew I was attracted to men) that if I were to ever bring a boyfriend to his house, I would never be able to see his family again -BUT, he has been open & supportive, he has even sat down with his family & had open discussions about my life & that while they do not need to agree with my lifestyle, they DO get to still love ME.

Please be sure this young man reads these comments! Do not let the teenage years of your life be a drag -create happiness, create joy. Do NOT let negativity control you, YOU are powerful, YOU are strong, YOU are in control. YOU....CHOOSE....

If you need help, please be in contact. Be amazing.

[Jules]

Hi!

I know what you mean: actually, my mother who´s next door can´t stand with me being gay and does whatever she can to make my partner feel rejected so I do feel it too; hopefully he loves me and handles the difficult situation in an effective way. Next door too, there´s my grandma, who believe it or not, cares a lot about me and my partner and has showed me she really loves me and does the possible to -even being 80- understand and deal with this. All this is to tell you that as someone said, you´ll have to leave somebody behind, but you´ll also have many paople who love you and will show you they love what you really are, not who you decide to love as a partner. And one more thing, God loves all of us, it´s men who teach men reject the others. Big hug, smile and never be ashamed of being who you REALLY are.

[Ryan]

Coming out can be so hard. I stiil haven't come out to my parents, but my real friends know, and they accept me for who I really am. Ever since I accepted myself I feel so much better and I only really feel like me when I am around people who know I am gay.

[Chip Smith]

It is difficult to imagine what you are going through. You have taken an important first step in seeking others out for help, understanding and compassion. It is tragic what others do in the name of Christianity--especially when Christ is about love and never encouraged anyone to hate, but rather to love one another as we love ourselves. Hang in there and continue to seek out people to talk with. No matter how alone you may feel, know that there are others out there who will love you for who and what you are. Just look at the comments from these strangers whom you have never met--they support you. Peace.

[Aaron]

Your story brought tears to my eyes. I had a (nearly successful) suicide attempt, and when the reason why came out, there was a whirlwind of losing my Temple Recommend, my garments, being excommunicated. I was an adult so didn't have the fear of being thrown out of the house, but did have to face the reality that my family shunned me.

It was the beginning of an ongoing process that was horrible at first (I contemplated suicide again), but slowly got easier as I learned to respect myself for who I am, that God still loves me and always will regardless of what the Elders say. I "built" my own family in the gay community while keeping the door open should my blood family choose to walk through it - on my terms. After 10 years all but one sister has walked through that door. It hasn't been easy: there were lots of arguments and tears, and even now, with a couple of my siblings there's still a lot of tension.

But I am me. I am a Gay Christian (still consider myself LDS). Take all the love and support and advice of the people who've posted here, check out the suggestions for other support and assistance, and always remember that you are an important person, a good person, and though this may be hard to believe right now, you have value.

[CP]

I'm 40, and I went through what you are going through as a teenager, but it's still fresh in my mind. Being raised Mormon is so hard when you are gay. But those who posted above me listed great resources that are available. I'd agree too that if you are worried about what your family will do, you should seriously consider waiting because being financially independent (pretty hard to do at 14) will make a difference and enable you to stand on your own.

I am now married to my husband. We have been monogamous since starting to date seven years ago, and now it's been one year of marriage. We have a very happy and fulfilled life.

No matter what, it is possible to be YOURSELF and retain your spirituality (be that what it is, and what you choose to follow).

Be strong and trust that you can make it through; you are not alone at all; they are MANY MANY of us who were Mormon, left, and have happy fulfilled lives.

[Gary]

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver

[Arnold]

Wow. Not much to add after all those posts. I came out late. Went through some very depressing times prior to that. I think the best thing for me was actually meeting other gay and lesbian people in non-threatening contexts. If you have access to a PFLAG (they are online if you need to know where they are located in your area) or a Gay and Lesbian Community center, possibly with a youth program, it's great to be able to talk it over with other people and realize that we're all pretty normal people in spite of all the awful and awfully wrong stereotypes. I second the comment of the person above that said, just in case, to wait until you can support yourself before you blow your cover with your parents just in case it doesn't go well. Most parents turn out loving and accepting but I have had at least one friend that was booted out of the house so wait until you're good and ready and can come out on your own terms.

[justin]

hey mate, stand in there .i was once like you--very christian family and dad was a racist cop.at 12 was going to kill myself after my father said to me that all poofters/fags should be put up against the wall and shot ...i thought at the time what was the point of continuing , But let me tell you that life does get better ,good things do happen and they can happen to you . i am stronger now than i every was ,have a boyfriend for 25 years and even raised a son as a family of three ,all things that i thought impossable back then when i was young.so hang in there and believe that there are many other ways that you can live your life and i hope you choose the one best for you ..love just

[William]

This will get better, but not if you kill yourself.
First realize you are good and worthy. The crazy people in this situation are the members of your family.
Second, plan your escape. When I was 13/14 I realized all I had to do was wait a bit longer....smile and nod at the asinine opinions coming from my family and plan my way out.
For me it was to bury myself in school. Get good grades, earn a scholarship and move away to college. A college or university far enough away that your parents will not be able to visit easily. Like any good gay boy I went to design school and now I have at 35 I have a good career that lets me live the way I want.

Living well is the best revenge.

Another bit of advice is to wipe the browser memory on the computer you are viewing this site with.
It could keep a snooping faculty member or relative from outing you before you want to be.

There are resources out in the world that can help you. Keep your eyes open for them and use your mind.
If you really feel you have to get out before you graduate high school, here is an option:

http://www.thesisters.org/

[Bill]

You've been given good advice. Do take a few deep breaths and count to ten. You don't have to do anything instantly. Plan out ways to develop your talents and abilities, look to educating yourself to become independent so you can be prepared for a well-paying career -- and, yes, you can succeed.

Nor do you have to give up your faith by admitting you're gay. The SoulForce link is a good one. I'd also suggest another site for support and ideas:

http://www.gaychristian.net

I'm confident the world is going to be a much different and more welcoming place by the time you hit your 20's. Your life as a gay man will have many opportunities open to you that those of us who are middle-aged could not imagine when we were teens. You are not alone. All the best!

[Adze]

All the best, mate. Don't think for a second that you are "wrong" or "evil". You are not and it's clear that you know it. Never let go of that. If God didn't want you to be who you are, well then he wouldn't have made you that way. Would he? ;o)

As many people say, your family may well surprise you. It's very possible that they will reconsider their opinions when the context is you.

True Christians, of every denomination, practice love, acceptance and compassion.

I cannot accept that a family that has raised such an eloquent, intelligent young man would be ignorant of this.

Be strong, take your time and do what's right for you.

You are not alone.

[thomas]

Dude please email me. I'm going through pretty much the same exact thing you're going through. We should talk.

rsftrader@gmail.com

[hale]

Like the other people on here say, things will get better--you have a great fantastic gay future, I promise.

One other place to look is the Trevor Project - www.thetrevorproject.org. You can also call them anytime, 866-488-7386. I know for mr sometimes when things suck talking helps, and they can be really good to talk with.

[Scott Hancock]

it's so heartbreaking to hear such a story, much too young to feel the pressures he is feeling and to be contemplating what he is. Please feel free to forward my email to this young person. I am 1/2 of a committed couple who have been together for almost 10 years. Everyday I feel blessed that I have found such a wonderful man to love and if we can be there and listen and try and give some advice to this young boy, I'm more than happy to do so.

[Cole]

I went through the same thing, for a while. I feel for you. Being 14 as well, it can be hard. I'm not out either. I used to be depressed all the time, and contemplating suicide because of my conflict between religion and homosexuality. Until I actually paid attention, and read my Bible, that is. I wish I could yell at the people at your church for you. You know the original text of the Bible doesn't necessarily speak out against homosexuality? When it is used in the new testament, that is the only time the word is ever used in it's original language. We have no idea what it mean. So what do we do? Slap down homosexuality. Besides, the whole idea of christianity counteracts the idea of you going to hell for a sin, if you are a christian, if it's even a sin. And if you don't believe in christianity, don't even worry about that. Just know, those people are dumb. I don't know much about mormons, but they have the same basic principles, I think, right?
Anyway, if you ever end up reading this, good luck, and please don't kill yourself. I strongly believe if you sat down and thought about it rationally, you'd realize it wouldn't be worth it.

I hope life gets easier for you.

[Cole]

Oh, I should add, I wasn't saying your conflict was internal, like mine was, because I don't know enough about what's bringing you down to say that. But I think you should tell them to fuck off, for lack of a better phrase.

[jerems]

Hey guy - the fact that you came out shows that you've got guts. This ole world needs people like you. Stick around! I'm LDS, I grew up in Idaho, went to BYU and am aware of the shit you are going through. Life is tough. Only the best survive. I wish we could talk face to face. I wish I knew your email - or you knew mine. Love will carry us - leave the small minded haters to themselves. Peace! jerems

[anonymous123x@gmail.com]

Check out the _BLOG ROLLS_ here:

http://landyn2008.blogspot.com/

and here:

http://notwithoutmerit.blogspot.com/

and here:

http://tmww.blogspot.com/

There are many repeats, but this si a place to start. There is a semi connected corner of the gay blogosphere the offers support and advice if you want it. Even if you don't have your own blog yet, I am sure many of the guys would not mind if you made extended comments just to see if you wanna blog. Hope you see this.

Good people, some are porn blogs, but not many. Guys your age, guys with religious families JUST like yours.

My email is below as my name. I am happy to chat or IM w/ you if you want to.

My job/profession includes working with
gay teens.

A Friend

[kainoa]

Hey, I am not as young as you anymore, but I came out at the same age, am now living in Utah and am a member of the Church and live with My Boyfriend of 15 years.... Get back to me if you wanna chat or anything!

[Minister]

http://thebible.friendsofbryce.info/ has some excellent information

[Arkham]

The world is cruel, no doubt about it. It takes an open mind to accept change, and those set in stone by unshakable beliefs are unlikely to do so...
When you look at the world, as a whole, with a mind open to change, you can see the unfair decisions made by humans and how they may affect other humans.
The most important thing that can be done is to gaze upon the world with an unbiased eye, ignoring the worlds differences and flaws. If you can manage that, the world will seem less constricted, less closed to your mind, and such harrowing tasks as identity issues will seem trivial in the wake of greater understanding.

I apologize if this offends or lacks sense t some. If this is the case. please ignore and move on with your life, possibly using the more helpful comments on the page, instead of this meaningless dribble.

[Brandon James Cockfield]

Hey there, I'm only 15 and obviously not very wise, but I read this and couldn't help but cry. I've known that I'm gay from the first time I thought for myself, I guess in a way I'm lucky and that I could be better prepared for the future. I have the most wonderful caring friends, couldn't ask for anything better. They are what got me through the hardest times of my life so far. My parents and my sister now know about me, they have accepted me for who I am and are now ready to support me when I need it. Reading jareds blog, and this post have helped me see how lucky I really am compared to some people. So thank you Jared, you are a wonderful person who deserves to always be happy.
-Brandon
P.S if Jared does see this I would really appreciate it, if he sent me an email, I would love to talk and learn more about you, and what your childhood was like!
Thanks :)

[Johnny]

Your great ! I'm sure your family think the same
no matter what you tell them, sometimes they already, but
are scared to let you know.
They don't have to love your sexuality to love you.